‘Transformers 2′ an epic, sprawling, colossal, lifeless, calculated mess.

‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ is the dumbest movie in a long time. I never really understood when people complained about a film’s length, but ‘Transformers’ changed that. I never thought that there could be truly too much action in a summer movie, that explosions could numb one to the point of a headache. ‘Transformers’ has changed that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie as numbing, as desensitizing to the mind and spirit as ‘Transformers 2′. Well, who knows. There’s always ‘Monopoly: The Movie’ and ‘G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra’.

Want a synopsis? Best of luck, it’s impossible to decipher a plot. There’s good Transformers and bad Transformers, alien robots that conveniently morph into Chevy cars (blatant product placement 101) In the last movie teenager Sam Witwicky and his girlfriend Mikaela helped the good guys beat the bad guys. But the bad guys are back! *shock* You know the drill. Somehow, symbology, the pyramids of Giza, the Smithsonian complex and star patterns are involved. Cue the robot-techno-babble and non-stop explosions.

There is literally so much action going on in every frame of the film that you can’t distinguish one plot point from another, one character or one purpose. It’s just to blow stuff up. The first ‘Transformers’ was awesome because (A) it never took itself seriously and (B) it balanced tons of action with a coherent plot and characters that weren’t completely one-dimensional. It wasn’t exactly a character study of the highest order, but at least it tried to make you care for all the characters. Here, the characters act like the robots they co-star with, many existing to further the plot, without it ever actually making sense. All emotion is wiped out from every human in this movie. It’s sorta disturbing.

Director Michael Bay executes this fiasco rather well. The explosions give you a migraine after 15 minutes, but it takes talent to coordinate all of them, I grant him. Megan Fox is decent as the eye-candy girlfriend who otherwise does nothing to advance the plot. Shia LaBeouf says his lines and runs from robots, nothing more. The visual effects are sure to win awards, although I realized the Transformers only do any transforming about three times in the 2 1/2 hour movie.

Some highlights of the film: The lead teenagers and some Transformers barge into the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, which is right in the middle of downtown Washington DC. They find a robot to help them, but the robot escapes by knocking a hole in the back wall. When they follow him, they step outside and are suddenly in a Nevada desert. Logic is completely abandoned. Other moments of the films “high-brow” humor include a two-foot tall Transformer caressing Megan Fox in an inappropriate way (played for laughs), and a giant 20-story tall Transformer with two wrecking balls dangling in between his legs, during a supposedly dramatic scene. Yes, you read that correctly.

My point through all this being that ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ has no soul. No heart. Evidently, no mind. It wants to blow stuff up and sell tickets, but it also demands something else. Painkillers for the intense headaches this trash will give you. ‘Transformers’ is awful, pure and simple. 1/2*/****

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